one time I overslept and my mom came into my room to wake me up and said “you had better get up or else you’ll be rushing”. I wanted to say “if I’m rushing then so be it” but since I was still half asleep my mind changed “rushing” to “Russian”, I rolled over and said “if I’m Russian, soviet” and to this day it’s the best joke I’ve ever made
you could give me a pack of hair ties and within a week i will have lost them. all of them. every single one. the same thing would happen with a pack of pencils. the same thing would happen with a pack of anything. tic tacs. stickers. wolves. anything
"No homo" cries the team at the dig site. The head archaeologist sinks to his knees, sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archaeological dig site. But now, his whole life has been for nothing. There is no homo….there is only Australopithecus.
I read this to a group of archaeologists and they completely lost their shit
listen the secret to pulling anything off—be it red lipstick or shaving half your head or wearing something ridiculous—is to literally just fucking do the thing and immediately adopt an attitude of giving no fucks, even if you have to fake it
what if when we die everyone who had died already just kept on doing what they were doing so the afterlife theres like a bajillion new dr suess books and every ghost has like an iphone7 and everyone is going to go see shakespeares newest play