runs-on-reindeer:

When my sister was in the Marines some little shit told her to make him a sandwich so she went to his boss and they used money from the asshole’s next paycheck to order subs for the entire squadron

(via officialbutts)

externalrespiration:

uncomfortableheterosexualperson:

in Ireland you’re not even allowed to look at alcohol on Good Friday, let alone buy it. Dirty heathens.

sometimes i forget how catholic this country is

(via i-was-so-alone-i-owe-you-so-much)

gavinfreeappreciation:

daddykinkcapaldi:

decibelsandpaperbacks:

This week on Tumblr:

It’s a metaphor. You’re a metaphor. I’m a metaphor. Your keybord is a metaphor. Everything is a metaphor. The universe is turning into one giant metaphor on a molecular scale. Run. It’s too late.

hail hydra

an entire fandom collapsed because of a building

(via hats-and-horses)

bag-gins:

we all know thats a load of shit gandalf
bag-gins:

we all know thats a load of shit gandalf
bag-gins:

we all know thats a load of shit gandalf
bag-gins:

we all know thats a load of shit gandalf

bag-gins:

we all know thats a load of shit gandalf

(via matchstick-doctor)

atypicalblonde:

one time I overslept and my mom came into my room to wake me up and said “you had better get up or else you’ll be rushing”. I wanted to say “if I’m rushing then so be it” but since I was still half asleep my mind changed “rushing” to “Russian”, I rolled over and said “if I’m Russian, soviet” and to this day it’s the best joke I’ve ever made

(via hats-and-horses)

jaclcfrost:

you could give me a pack of hair ties and within a week i will have lost them. all of them. every single one. the same thing would happen with a pack of pencils. the same thing would happen with a pack of anything. tic tacs. stickers. wolves. anything

(via officialbutts)

handpickedhappiness:

thevoxbox:

charlesoberonn:

giftvvrap:

will you marry me = a marriage proposal
will, you, Mary, me = a foursome proposal

Will you, Mary me = Cavewoman Mary helps Will recover from his Amnesia

Will, you marry me. = Will’s time-traveling partner

And people keep trying to tell me that punctuation isn’t important

(via realluvguy)

autopilot-disengaged:

definitivelysarah:

"No homo" cries the team at the dig site. The head archaeologist sinks to his knees, sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archaeological dig site. But now, his whole life has been for nothing. There is no homo….there is only Australopithecus.

I read this to a group of archaeologists and they completely lost their shit

(via teacupsandcyanide)

frolicsomefoxhat:

This is quite possibly the best frame in all of Death Note and my actual reaction to anyone being nice to me ever.

(via margarineupmyrectum)

maddishly:

listen the secret to pulling anything off—be it red lipstick or shaving half your head or wearing something ridiculous—is to literally just fucking do the thing and immediately adopt an attitude of giving no fucks, even if you have to fake it 

(via thefaultinourchickennuggets)

thegeekybearcub:

ledieuetlartiste:

aurellharmonics:

lamisdelabc:

RED, THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MENimage

TEA, A DRINK WITH JAM AND BREAD

image

heLP I DON’T KNOW WHICH TUNE TO SING IT IN

SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WEIDERSENG GOOD BYE.

LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN, YOU’RE HERE UNTIL YOU DIE.

HALP

This is a good thing

(via matchstick-doctor)

mojoflower:

farorescourage:

THE OWLS WERE DANCING TO FUCKIN TIK TOK

This is the most dignified hip hop dancing I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching.

(via ever-so-slightly-monstrous)

calibornsbottomhoohoo:

what if when we die everyone who had died already just kept on doing what they were doing so the afterlife theres like a bajillion new dr suess books and every ghost has like an iphone7 and everyone is going to go see shakespeares newest play

(via matchstick-doctor)

biologytextbook:

biologytextbook:

space is the coolest thing on the planet omfg

wait

(via hotsinglesareinyourhouse)

black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz
black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz
black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz
black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz
black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz
black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

black-battler:

starsugars:

shewhowantsmouseears:

fragranceofdarkchocolate:

waterbottleofneutrality:

ophelia-swiff:

lionphantom:

221bpawnee:

maraudermap-s:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

deadlightsgirl:

You pop that gum one more time.

Single my ass.

Ten times.

Not guilty.

Number seventeen: the spread eagle.

Artistic differences.

Pop.

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

(via matchstick-doctor)